‘If someone had told Boris Johnston Cobra meetings were drunken orgies, he might have gone to a few more of them’
The Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin discovered dancing is the worst thing you can do as a world leader after a video of her sexy moves was leaked.
Theresa May, the former dancing puppet without the strings is raging her moves were regarded as more arthritic than sexy.
Ms Marin was forced to take a drugs test to prove that she was just high on life and politics in the scenes filmed at her official residence.
Doesn’t she know that an official government residence should only host raucous drunken parties in times of dire crisis and multiple deaths. If someone had told Boris Johnston Cobra meetings were drunken orgies, he might have gone to a few more of them.
His official residence is now the Cotswolds, Slovenia, Greece and wherever else a rich Tory donor is prepared to pay for. If he hears there were topless pics taken by Sanna’s mates in her official bathroom he’ll be on the next plane to Finland.
She’s been in charge for three years and is clearly doing something right. Her country has been named the happiest in the world for five years in a row, she’s got a young daughter and has got married since taking office, she’s taken decisive action on parental leave and is committed to action on climate change.
We’ve now got a civil servant in charge of government finances, and a health department with a £400 million overspend.
Just think how much more chilled things could be if Jeffrey Donaldson indulged in the odd bit of twerking and Michelle O’Neill relaxed enough to talk at only 60 miles per hour.
We already know that Sammy Wilson unwinds with a poke (not a euphemism) and Jim Allister could be so much more affable if he occasionally double dunked a Digestive (for the love of God, definitely not a euphemism).
If they think they’ve got worries about a border Sanna is dealing with 830 miles of border with Russia and close neighbour Putin who has already issued not very veiled threats over her plans to join NATO.
It puts protocols and the great sausage import threat into perspective.
But she’s young, pretty and female, so any overt displays of being young, pretty and female are obviously a threat to democracy.
The leader gave a tearful address to her nation after the video leak to insist she’d never missed a day’s work during her tenure.
We definitely need leaders who are more Sanna.
China’s censors have been busy little bees again, but this time it’s cuddly Minions who are a danger to society.
After the recent rewriting of Fight Club which ended with the authorities winning, The Rise of Gru has now been adjusted so villain Wild Knuckles doesn’t escape but is jailed for 20 years and forms an acting troupe for the inmates. He’s the Gary Glitter of cartoons..
Gru then goes off and raises his three children which is his biggest accomplishment. There is now some doubt over whether he actually steals the Moon.
If they think Despicable Me is dangerous the censors are going to freak out about Peppa Pig disrespecting her dad.
Meghan Markle’s long awaited Spotify debut has pushed Joe Rogan off the top spot, which at least gave the world a tiny break from his light transphobia and confused Covid views.
But how many of us tuned in to Archetypes with my good friend Serena Williams to hear how much her Royalness could make any conversation about herself and we weren’t disappointed. When we got to ‘dimensionality’ I was just hooked, and then slightly bored, and then gobsmacked at the self-centredness of it all.
You’re one of the most successful athletes in the world? Let’s take veiled jabs at my in-laws.
The newly minted presenter is determined her podcasts will subvert, dissect and explore the labels which hold women back. Could we start with Duchess, which appears to have done her no harm at all.
Liz Truss, the gloriously nicknamed Poundland Thatcher has been roundly criticised for her French gaffe in the Tory leadership race, or the X Factor for the Over Eighties.
In another excruciating display of a personality so wooden she could cause a national splinter epidemic Liz was asked about her thoughts on French leader Emmanuel Macron and insisted ‘the jury is out’.
Who knew the Foreign Secretary takes her policy objectives from ‘Allo ‘Allo!?
Rocky star Sylvester Stallone is facing divorce from his wife of 25 years Jennifer Flavin.
Jennifer says he’s not the man she married, possibly because a lot of him is in a plastic surgeon’s bin.