“The misery that was 2022 with widespread strikes, food and fuel poverty, Putin going full macho, and one of the hottest years on record will increase by 3,000pc, or not at all depending on how much you donate to the Conservative Party”
At least mine are better than your average Nostradamus prophecy, the beloved soothsayer of 1500s fame who allegedly predicted everything from 9/11 to Princess Di’s death.
He failed to spot that Brangelina would end in tears but when you write verses like ‘the lion cub shall roar in Rome, tickling the seagull of shame’, which would probably predict Argentina would win the World Cup, there’s always room for interpretation.
Seriously his ‘prophecies’ for 2023 according to his fans are an outbreak of cannibalism when wheat prices rocket, because your go-to in a food crisis is to eat the neighbours, and a 400-year heads-up on the Ukraine war with "seven months great war, people dead through evil” which is destined to be a Morrissey lyric.
My cast-iron predictions for the next 12 months cover the much more important areas of light entertainment with a hint of politics.
The misery that was 2022 with widespread strikes, food and fuel poverty, Putin going full macho, and one of the hottest years on record will increase by 3,000pc, or not at all depending on how much you donate to the Conservative Party.
It will be slightly alleviated for Taylor Swift fans following her announcement of her first tour in five years.
If Tay has a particularly difficult bowel movement her fans go wild, and she gets three singles and an album out of it, so hysteria will ensue.
At the other end of a pop diva’s career, Elton John’s playing Glastonbury as part of his final ever live performances. But he’s been retiring since 1979.
Total frenzy is expected when new Dr Who Ncuti Gatwa is unveiled later this year, which will be nine parts Whovian fangirling, one-part blatant racism for the Rwandan-Scottish actor.
When the job was taken by Jodie Whittaker, diehard fans clutched their pearls and shrieked it was unrealistic to have a female in the role of a two-hearted reincarnating alien.
They’re still getting over John Boyega in Star Wars.
The next James Bond will finally be announced and is likely to be someone we’ve never heard of.
But it’s nice that Jamie Dornan’s name is still in the hat because we could do with a Bond whose accent makes a request for a martini sound like a threat to do your knees.
Neighbours fans will be able to return to Ramsay Street now that Amazon has bought over the previously doomed soap. When Channel 5 can’t even be bothered to stump up the 50p budget it’s a sign it should have been allowed to die but Jeff Bezos has to spend his millions on something.
In a similar vein, Frasier is getting a reboot after nearly 20 years off-air because sometimes 264 episodes aren’t enough. Expect less hair, bigger waistlines, and a chemistry that should have been left where it was.
The 2022 release from conservatorship and remarriage of Britney Spears unleashed more than just the singer’s resentment as she’s struggled to put her boobs away on Instagram ever since. We can expect more flowers-on-nipples shots and extra bitterness about everyone who’s wronged her.
But she’ll be soundly beaten in the bitterness stakes by Prince Harry, whose autobiography Spare drops on January 10. After an extended Oprah interview and six hours on Netflix it’s hard to imagine what’s left to complain about from his gilded life, but he’s wringing $20 million from his publishers for his book deal.
It will be a massive seller in which he’ll discuss the ‘many hats’ he’s worn over the years. Tell us about the Nazi one because nothing says ‘I’m the victim here’ like a swastika costume.
King Charles’ coronation on May 6 will either give the Sussexes a reason for extra indignation if they’re not invited, or another Netflix series about family scandals if they are.
New Queen Camilla will be on hand with a large G&T and a blow dart to take down Charles if he starts complaining about the pens again, but his public whinging explains a lot about Harry.
In sport, it will be predicted that Rory McIlroy will win every competition he enters, and someone somewhere has already said with certainty that this is his year. But he spent last year kicking the backsides of the golfers who jumped ship to the LIV tournament for a wodge of dodgy Saudi cash, so go Rory.
In politics, Jacinda Ardern in New Zealand is facing a fall from favour despite praise for her handling of Covid, strike-ridden Rishi Sunak will be pondering how fickle voters are after he gave away billions in furlough during Covid, and at Stormont nothing will happen while the DUP hides behind the Protocol rather than play deputy to Sinn Féin.
But on the bright side, Matt Hancock’s TV career is over before it started so even the expected 2023 of misery has a silver lining.