Sweary Christmas | 

Why Tom Cruise is right to say 'elf off' to keeping calm this festive season

Tom Cruise

Deirdre Reynolds

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: stay calm this Christmas.

Pocket rocket Tom Cruise hit headlines this week after exploding on the set of Mission: Impossible 7.

In an audio recording obtained, the star and producer can be heard ripping into crew members working on the sequel in London for not following Covid-19 safety protocols.

After nine months of attempting to keep calm and Covid on, I found myself grabbing the popcorn and cheering on action hero Tom 'Curse' as he railed against his " motherf***kers" of colleagues.

"We are the gold standard," he fumed in the three-and-a-half minute clip which has since gone viral.

"They're back there in Hollywood making movies right now because of us.

Tom Cruise is filming Mission Impossble in Norway, Venice and Rome

"I'm on the phone with every f***king studio at night, insurance companies, producers, and they're looking at us and using us to make their movies.

"We are not shutting this f**king movie down! Is it understood? If I see it again, you're f***ing gone."

The 58-year-old's five-star rant has already been defended by fellow A-listers George Clooney and Josh Gad.

And forget warm and fuzzy festive flicks like It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street or Elf.

I reckon the celebrity conniption is exactly the kind of sweary entertainment we need this Christmas.

Globally, the meditation app market is predicted to reach $2.08billion by 2022 as we all try to go from stressed to #blessed.

There's Headspace, Calm, Breethe, Buddhify and Happify all at the touch of a screen.

Deep breathing, relaxing lavender baths and literal tree hugging are just some of the other mindfulness techniques we've deployed to try to get through this absolute clusterfeck of a calendar year.

Meanwhile, over on bookshelves, you can be reassured that 'You are a Badass' while discovering 'The Happiness Hack'.

Sometimes though, in times of extreme stress and worry, like now, you just have to go full Paul Gogarty - and scream, "F**k you, Deputy Stagg!" at no-one in particular.

The former Green Party TD famously went off on one during a Dáil debate back in 2009.

And it seems the politician may have been ahead of his time as 'rage rooms' take off in 2021.

Also known as destruction therapy, the padded rooms enable stressed-out parents and home workers to Hulk smash glass, plates and electrical appliances - without having to clean up afterwards.

UK firm Scrap Car Comparison is even giving members of the public the chance to crush old cars spray-painted with '2020' with a 56-tonne battle tank after launching a 'Rage Yard' competition.

As tensions run high in homes this December 25, I foresee a Tom moment or two. Do try not to tell granny she's "f**king gone" if she comes within two feet of you.

Or add "and you too and you too" to overexcited ankle-biters who keep forgetting to wash their hands.

Then again, mix the events of the year with a few mulled wine, and that may truly be Mission: Impossible.

Merry f**king Christmas, everyone!

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