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Roisin Gorman's Open Letter… on trends

In 2020, some clever analysts made expansive predictions, none of which involved being locked in for ages due to Covid’

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Questionable predictions for 2022

Questionable predictions for 2022

Questionable predictions for 2022

This year I’ll be mostly wearing catsuits and bra tops while rocking skinny brows in the metaverse and worrying about an asteroid hit. Or, and this is a distinct possibility, not doing any of the above because the soothsayers of society have got the predictive ability of my cat, and she only knows about an imminent fur ball a few seconds before it hits the carpet. Somewhere in early 2020, some clever analysts, lifestyle gurus and fashion doyens made expansive predictions about the year ahead, none of which involved being locked in for ages because of Covid. You’d think that would introduce an air of caution to cast-iron trend predictions, but no January is complete without people who want to tell us what we’ll be doing, wearing, buying and worrying about until December. The Instagram Trend Report for 2022 thinks its users will be doing more home workouts, buying make-up products branded as clean, wearing second-hand clothes, caring for their mental health, and love, love, loving online celebs. You’d be hard pushed to distinguish it from 2021, but the ‘gram needs to stay relevant before Gen Z discards it like grandad’s racist politics. The Great Resignation, which saw over four million workers in the US up and leave their jobs in the search for a more balanced life, is predicted to be heading for Ireland and the UK in 2022. It sounds more like a mass flounce for the exit, but maybe we’ll realise we should have been nicer to hospitality workers when there aren’t any. Out in the metaverse the move to an online existence may have been oversold with virtual reality headsets still accounting for only 5pc of gaming sales, suggesting grubby reality rules. Sorry, Mr Zuckerberg. Fashion predictions are usually more nailed on, but also as elastic as my favourite bra. Skirts will be short, while also being long. Blazers will be tiny, while also being boxy. The bra tops no one except supermodels and 18-year-olds wore the last time will make another appearance, while catsuits, the impractical onesie of daywear, are still trying to make a go of it. Who comes up with this stuff? Nostradamus? Eyebrows, the importance of which is no longer up for debate, so just get some, are suddenly being scaled down again. It’s predicted that the Seventies skinny brow, a super-plucked line of lonely hairs is heading our way, but ladies of a certain age will know that once they’re gone, they’re not coming back, so approach with caution and tiny tweezers. My favourite trend predictions are for interior design which this year will be a carnival of decorative cabinetry and curved furniture silhouettes. The last time I bought a sofa was over 10 years ago. There’s more chance of me growing my eyebrows back than pondering my silhouettes. But clearly we’ve always needed a little certainty in the chaos, which explains why 16th century astrologer, astronomer and fashion blogger Nostradamus gets trotted out every January to share his predictions. They’re a series of impenetrable verses which require careful interpretation, so ‘the new sage with a lone brain’ becomes a terrifying rise of artificial intelligence. New kid on the block Baba Vanga, a blind Bulgarian ‘seer’ who died in 1996, went one better and predicted an alien invasion and asteroid hit this year. So I won’t need the new catsuit after all.

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