Roisin Gorman’s Open Letter… on royal tell-alls

‘Readers can discover who said what about whose tiara — if it wasn’t recent history, it would be a Barbara Cartland novel’

Dominic West (left) will play Prince Charles in season five of The Crown on Netflix

Sunday World

The royals haven’t been this interesting since What the Corgis Saw: Feuds, Factions and Fleas.

They’re not so much getting their dirty laundry washed in public as putting the washing machine on the front lawn and making bunting from Meghan Markle’s smalls, but enough about her trailer trash siblings.

An avalanche of British royal gossip is landing in a cascade of books, just weeks after the Queen’s funeral confirmed that pomp and circumstance should be a major UK export, along with regal in-fighting.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall from Angela Levin claims Andrew hated his future sister-in-law and pressured his mum to sidestep Charles as king. Schemer Andy is currently discovering the meaning of karma, while adjusting to his new role as Keeper of the Dog Biscuits.

Over at The New Royals by Katie Nicholl, which is swiftly followed by Courtiers from Valentine Low, readers can discover who said what about whose tiara and whether the Duchess of Sussex unkindly berated her staff. If it wasn’t the retelling of very recent history, it would be a Barbara Cartland novel.

They’re both coming hot on the court shoes of Revenge by Tom Bower, which is about the warring brothers (if frosty silence counts as war), and Tina Brown’s The Palace Papers, which divides the family into heroes and villains and can’t quite decide about Charles.

And who can forget Meghan and Harry by Lady Colin Campbell, the I’m a Celebrity harridan who split from Lord Colin after nine months in 1974 and dares to berate anyone else for trading on their royal connections?

Or the seminal Finding Freedom of 2020, telling the true story from the Sussexes themselves, through an authorised third party, of their dash to America to escape the constraints of royalty. It surely made the hearts bleed of low earners who dash to Lidl to escape the constraints of poverty. Any title similarity with Nelson Mandela’s Long Walk to Freedomwas entirely deliberate, and part two is coming next year.

But the big one, which is hovering over a million Amazon baskets, is Harry’s own story — slightly different from his own story he told in Finding Freedom because this time it’s sadder, more bitter, with extra tiaras.

Or that was the plan until his grandmother died and he’s now furiously begging his publishers to let him get his red crayon out for the nastier bits.

His daddy issues, that the money tap had turned off and he felt very let down, have already been aired with Oprah, so he’s been paid $20m for Jeremy Kyle levels of family dirt.

Proving he’s not the sharpest tool in the box, it hadn’t occurred to the budding ‘author’ — I assume someone else did the heavy lifting — that his grandmother was of advanced years and his father’s elevation to the throne was imminent.

Now his kids’ inheritance of a royal title depends on just how much manure he shovels in his family’s direction. Dish the dirt, get the cash, your kids are common as muck. Keep your mouth shut, your kids are prince and princess, but you might have to get, like, a job.

A royal source complained recently the new Netflix series of The Crown, launching on November 9 and featuring the nuclear fallout of Charles and Diana’s divorce should come with a warning that it’s a drama, not a documentary.

When the royal son is debating how much mud to sling at the royal father, drama doesn’t even come close.

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