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Roisin Gorman’s Open Letter… on accidents at home

My most embarrassing hospital treatment was a run-in with a cauliflower… the knife was sharp and the veg was stubborn

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There has been a rise in people suffering injuries at home throughout the pandemic

There has been a rise in people suffering injuries at home throughout the pandemic

There has been a rise in people suffering injuries at home throughout the pandemic

We all know people who shouldn’t be allowed out on their own, but thousands of us shouldn’t be allowed to stay in either because home is where the hurt is. While nearly two years of on-off lockdowns were a nirvana for Netflix fans, they were also a danger zone for DIY enthusiasts who discovered that saws are sharp and lawnmowers are unforgiving. Recent figures from the NHS in England revealed that thousands of people have come to harm in their own homes since Covid kept us cooped up with over 7,000 dog-related injuries and nearly 6,000 people coming a cropper with electric hand tools, suggesting that just because you’ve got the time to do DIY, it doesn’t mean you should. A snapshot of a Dublin hospital last year reported similar figures, with 17pc more domestic accidents and a huge reduction in sports and road traffic injuries, while 12,000 people had to have treatment after exercising at home in the UK. If we weren’t tripping over the new dog, we were tripping over ourselves. Ladders were a particular danger with three times the amount of injuries reported in the UK and New Zealand, proving there is no escape from gravity. We’re still waiting on figures coming in about sourdough wrist and how many people died of boredom because one more person talked about banana bread. I felt slightly vindicated by the reported thousands of injuries from hot drinks, fats and hot oils with a Christmas cooking-induced burn from a bad-tempered and badly-timed movement of a hot oven shelf. Along with the other burns on my arm right next to it caused by the same shelf, I now look like someone has written on me in Nordic runes. It says either ‘Get bigger oven gloves’ or ‘Don’t drink and cook’. I prefer the oven gloves interpretation. The question arising from the normal human ability to do stupid things and harm ourselves is not why we do it, but why we tell the truth about it. My most embarrassing hospital treatment was a result of a run-in with a cauliflower. The knife was sharp, the veg was stubborn, and while trying to remove the core, I somehow managed to cut towards myself. Suddenly that little flap of skin between my thumb and forefinger became very flappy. Six stitches and a tetanus later I was totally fine. Your life’s not truly rock ‘n’ roll until your hospital notes record a cauliflower-related injury, but if anyone asks, it was a piranha attack, and that fish was mean. A friend won the best emergency department notes competition when his abdominal cramps and orange colour were explained by a prolonged binge on carrots, recorded as carrot abuse, and not in a good way. I’ve shared a hospital waiting room with a slightly shortened woman who’d been feeding her neighbour’s dog some treats through a fence. When she poked her finger through to pet it the animal did what animals do. One alternative truth suggestion was she’d caught the finger in the door of her Maserati, but we went back to the dog because who admits to owning a Maserati. There is one Covid-related injury which requires no embellishment. Eight people over the age of 90 were hospitalised after falling off play equipment, including trampolines. If I’m still trampolining at that age, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops, possibly literally. And it beats getting injured by a cauliflower.

We all know people who shouldn’t be allowed out on their own, but thousands of us shouldn’t be allowed to stay in either because home is where the hurt is.
While nearly two years of on-off lockdowns were a nirvana for Netflix fans, they were also a danger zone for DIY enthusiasts who discovered that saws are sharp and lawnmowers are unforgiving.
Recent figures from the NHS in England revealed that thousands of people have come to harm in their own homes since Covid kept us cooped up with over 7,000 dog-related injuries and nearly 6,000 people coming a cropper with electric hand tools, suggesting that just because you’ve got the time to do DIY, it doesn’t mean you should.
A snapshot of a Dublin hospital last year reported similar figures, with 17pc more domestic accidents and a huge reduction in sports and road traffic injuries, while 12,000 people had to have treatment after exercising at home in the UK. If we weren’t tripping over the new dog, we were tripping over ourselves.
Ladders were a particular danger with three times the amount of injuries reported in the UK and New Zealand, proving there is no escape from gravity.
We’re still waiting on figures coming in about sourdough wrist and how many people died of boredom because one more person talked about banana bread.
I felt slightly vindicated by the reported thousands of injuries from hot drinks, fats and hot oils with a Christmas cooking-induced burn from a bad-tempered and badly-timed movement of a hot oven shelf.
Along with the other burns on my arm right next to it caused by the same shelf, I now look like someone has written on me in Nordic runes. It says either ‘Get bigger oven gloves’ or ‘Don’t drink and cook’. I prefer the oven gloves interpretation.
The question arising from the normal human ability to do stupid things and harm ourselves is not why we do it, but why we tell the truth about it.
My most embarrassing hospital treatment was a result of a run-in with a cauliflower. The knife was sharp, the veg was stubborn, and while trying to remove the core, I somehow managed to cut towards myself. Suddenly that little flap of skin between my thumb and forefinger became very flappy.
Six stitches and a tetanus later I was totally fine. Your life’s not truly rock ‘n’ roll until your hospital notes record a cauliflower-related injury, but if anyone asks, it was a piranha attack, and that fish was mean.
A friend won the best emergency department notes competition when his abdominal cramps and orange colour were explained by a prolonged binge on carrots, recorded as carrot abuse, and not in a good way.
I’ve shared a hospital waiting room with a slightly shortened woman who’d been feeding her neighbour’s dog some treats through a fence. When she poked her finger through to pet it the animal did what animals do. One alternative truth suggestion was she’d caught the finger in the door of her Maserati, but we went back to the dog because who admits to owning a Maserati.
There is one Covid-related injury which requires no embellishment.
Eight people over the age of 90 were hospitalised after falling off play equipment, including trampolines. If I’m still trampolining at that age, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops, possibly literally.
And it beats getting injured by a cauliflower.

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