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Out! of oz Novax Djokovic can't Grand Slam his way out of this ace match

'Novak has refused to say if he’s been jabbed, but if he was vaccinated, he wouldn’t currently be sharing a hotel room with some Aussie bugs who need the work after I’m a Celeb was cancelled'

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Novak Djokovic

Novak Djokovic

Novak Djokovic

The Sammy Wilson of Serbia might end up wishing he’d stayed at home.

Tennis star Djokovic has discovered that a note from his mummy saying the dog ate his vaccine isn’t getting him on an Aussie court any time soon.

There’s a different type of court waiting for him, but his welcome will be less of the Robinson’s orange squash and adoring fans and more of the ‘who do you think you are?’

Novak – he was just asking for Novax – hasn’t helped his case by being on the David Icke side of science.

He believes positive thoughts can cleanse polluted water because the molecules react to our emotions. All those kids in Africa dying from drinking sludge just aren’t trying hard enough to think happy thoughts.

He got his gluten intolerance diagnosis when his strength was sapped by holding some bread. It may have been a big loaf, but even Icke would roll his eyes at that one.

And remember when Novak organised that European tennis tournament in June 2020 when we were all still locked up, and dozens of people caught Covid? He had the humility to apologise for that fiasco, admitting it was ‘too soon’ to let people fly in from everywhere and sneeze on each other, but he didn’t learn from it.

He clearly knows that being rich, famous and fabulous doesn’t stop the virus. If only there was a really simple solution to massively reduce the harm it causes to us and everyone around us.

Novak has refused to say if he’s been jabbed, but if he was vaccinated, he wouldn’t currently be sharing a hotel room with some Aussie bugs who need the work after I’m a Celeb was cancelled.

The same hotel has 36 refugees, some of whom have been there for eight years. They don’t get sobbing protesters. Would it help if they learned to play tennis?

The blame for the sportsman’s predicament lies somewhere between himself, Tennis Australia – which may have mistakenly told him a positive Covid test was enough to get a visa – the state government which wants his pulling power at the Open, and the federal government, with a Prime Minister who’s got his eye on this year’s elections.

The player’s dad Srdjan says Australia is stomping all over Serbia and its people and wants to bring the country to its knees. It explains a lot about Novak.

His wife Jelena, who previously bought into the 5G Covid conspiracy, has urged the world to share ‘love and respect for another human being’.

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Most of us have already done that by getting the vaccine.

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Pope Francis

Pope Francis

Pope Francis

Pope Francis had a sudden irony bypass last week when he accused people who choose pets over children of being selfish, because passing on parenthood leads to a loss of humanity.

Did he forget that bit where Catholic clergy are expressly forbidden from parenthood, at least officially?

Until now he’d been playing a blinder on the whole kindness and humility thing, but may have been harbouring a massive moggy grudge because it’s not the first time he’s had a go at pet owners.

Is there a Tibbles-related trauma in the Pontiff’s early life?

And surely he shouldn’t be encouraging anyone who thinks it’s OK to snog their dog to breed?

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Finance Minister Conor Murphy (Brian Lawless/PA)

Finance Minister Conor Murphy (Brian Lawless/PA)

Finance Minister Conor Murphy (Brian Lawless/PA)

Finance Minister Conor Murphy has said no to funding a tree on the Stormont Estate to mark the Queen’s platinum jubilee.

Trying to get your head around a Sinn Féin minister running the Estate and therefore having the clout to annoy the DUP and royalists makes your eyes water.

But he did add a message of ‘I wish you well in marking this event’. He may have had his fingers crossed.

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Gal Gadot. Picture: PA

Gal Gadot. Picture: PA

Gal Gadot. Picture: PA

Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot has said sorry again for her tone-deaf celeb version of Imagine at the start of the pandemic. She’ll still be saying sorry for that when Covid’s just a sniffly footnote.

To be fair, a bunch of millionaire actors crooning about ‘imagine no possessions’ was no worse than the original version from the fabulously wealthy John Lennon.

The only difference was he could sing.

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Nevermind has sold 30 million copies - and now the baby wants his pay day.

Nevermind has sold 30 million copies - and now the baby wants his pay day.

Nevermind has sold 30 million copies - and now the baby wants his pay day.

The Nirvana baby hasn’t given up on wringing a few more dollars out of the band, and this time it’s personal.

Spencer Elden was the infant on the Nevermind album cover, which he says has ruined his life.

He didn’t feel that way on the 10th, 17th, 20th, and 25th anniversaries of the album when he recreated the picture, apart from the tiny todger, or when he sold autographed copies online.

Now he’s claiming the exposure of his baby nether regions makes it ‘child pornography’. Genuine victims of indecent images must be delighted.

There is one tool here and it’s not in his trousers.

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