Operation Big Dog Andrex puppy of politics is in the doghouse

'If Boris can behave himself, he'll be allowed on the furniture again'

Boris Johnston

By Roisin Gorman

January 22 2022 06:31 PM

Operation Big Dog is in action to save Boris Johnston. If he can behave himself, he’ll be allowed on the furniture again.

It’s a mystery how his desperate team came up with the name after spending years with the lolloping Great Dane.

They could only keep him tied up for so long after his apology before the most recent apology, but he had to be let out again last week. Have they tried a rolled-up newspaper?

The political colossus, supposedly a leader on the world stage, was in danger of going back to the kennels again when he literally hung his head and stared at the floor as he was asked about apologising to the Queen for partying the night before her husband’s funeral.

When your dog does that you know they’ve eaten your favourite shoes, or had a Covid shindig.

His excuse to Sky was that ‘nobody told me’ a party was illegal. But at least he’s still got ‘a big boy did it and ran away’ in reserve.

It wasn’t a great start to Op Big Dog and the launch of Operation Red Meat, an attempt to distract the public from his hopeless buffoonery.

When a government is prepared to throw a slightly startled Royal Navy at migrants in the English Channel and burn the BBC to the ground to divert our attention, we know they have steaming piles of scandal to hide. If he gets caught out again, they’ll decommission Love Island.

As Operation Pork Pie was launched – at least there are operations happening somewhere – a band of rebels threatened to oust their leader, which really got his attention because what dog doesn’t love a pie?

They were then threatened with blackmail and defunding but of course Boris saw no evidence of anything. Why would he? He’s too busy licking his nether regions.

Even David Davis’s ‘for the love of God go, and fetch the newspaper’ had little effect.

In the middle of the chaos, which is at least a welcome distraction from impending war in Ukraine, surely the DUP must be red hot with shame that they’re still backing the Andrex puppy of politics.

A double jobbing offer which would have allowed Jeffrey Donaldson to be an MP and an MLA and therefore First Minister was snatched away last week by the Latin-spouting Labrador like a frisbee in mid-flight.

He’s also continued to shaft them over the Protocol, but they resolutely refuse to see what every other party here had stated plainly – that Boris should be sent to live on a farm in the country.

The problem is we’re all left to clean up the mess on the carpet.

SNOB ANDREW'S LATEST ROYAL LOWNESS

Prince Andrew. Photo: Neil Hall/PA

Life refuses to get any better for Prince Andrew after a documentary revealed he has a teddy bear collection on his bed, which must be arranged perfectly by the staff or he throws a tantrum.

It doesn’t do much for his military man image, but it explains why he likes hanging out with teenage girls. You be Barbie, I’ll be Ken.

A former maid didn’t help when she revealed he’d demand staff come and close his curtains while he sat next to the troublesome drapes.

It’s amazing that when we treat people like royalty, they behave like royalty.

ONE HELL OF A PERFORMER

Meat Loaf performs on stage at the Capital Radio Party in the Park, in Hyde Park (PA)

RIP Meat Loaf, the sweaty, manic chronicler of teenage angst whose power ballads thrilled a generation and really annoyed their parents.

Before the nerds get going, he was the Elton John to Jim Steinman’s Bernie Taupin, the frontman who delivered, usually surrounded by women with very few clothes on. He was a big guy who needed the window dressing, and it was the seventies.

There will never be another performer like the Bat Out of Hell singer. And if there was, he’d have to be called Nut Roast.

ALEXA'S A TURN-OFF

Alexa devices are down across the UK (PA)

The world teetered on its axis on Friday morning when Alexa had a menopausal moment and refused to work properly.

Ours wouldn’t obey voice commands and kept turning the radio on. Usually she just pretends she can’t understand the accent.

Other users complained they couldn’t turn their Alexa alarms off.

It’s a glimpse of a bleak future when it takes five minutes to work out you have to switch a malfunctioning gadget off at the wall.

But seriously, Amazon, sort this out. I had to turn Stephen Nolan off manually.

THORNY ISSUE OF TRUE LOVE FOR MEGAN

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. Photo: Phillip Faraone/Getty Images

Transformers actor Megan Fox’s engagement ring has come in for some flak after her fiancé Machine Gun Kelly (real name Clive or Nigel) claimed there were thorns on the inside so it would cause her pain to remove it.

Megan, ditched from the robot film franchise after comparing the director to Hitler, hasn’t commented publicly on the ring claims.

She’s just delighted anyone remembers who she is.

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