Dear Maura: Will he ever fall for me?

Solve your life dilemmas with expert advice from Maura O’Neill
You can’t make someone fall for you

You can’t make someone fall for you

Dear Maura: I helped my friend to come out to his family with the hope that we could develop something special between us. But I don’t know if he sees me as a friend or if he is just scared to be in a relationship.

He’s 27 and I’m 28 and I’ve waited a long time to meet someone like him who understands me in every sense of the word. For that reason, I’m taking things really slowly. We sleep together a few times a week, we cuddle and kiss but that’s as far as it goes. I talk to him about my feelings so he’s in no doubt about what I want from this relationship.

Sometimes, maybe after a few drinks he will describe his fear of being gay and being judged. There are other times that I try to forget when he tells me he’d never be attracted to someone like me, that this will never develop into anything. Then he feels bad, and I sleep over in his and the usual safe stuff happens.

He needs me so much I can’t walk away. But I worry that he’ll decide that living life as a gay man is too much work, his words. I don’t know where this comes from and until he does, more than me, I worry about how his life will turn ou

Answer: You have supported your friend so much. I’m not sure how much more you can do. This man is on his journey and while you are there to help him along, only he can take those steps to fully emerging into the person he really is. I worry about your commitment here to the point that you are sometimes allowing him to put you down, to disrespect you.

I can see in your letter how much you care about this man and want to be with him. Sometimes our feelings can lead us to a dead end where we repeat the same routine, making no progress. Don’t hang in here to the point where you lose sight of what’s best for you.

I fantasise about my brother-in-law

Dear Maura: I THINK I married the wrong man. I used to go out with my brother-in-law and when that ended, I fell in love with his brother. My husband is the quieter of the two and that attracted me to him. His sibling is full of personality and is just lovely. Maybe it’s the times we live in, but I’ve started to fantasise about my brother-in-law when I’m making love with my husband. It works but feels a bit off when I meet him. Did I marry the wrong guy? Why am I having thoughts like this? Is it just part of living in a pandemic and I’m just looking for a bit of excitement? Answer: Try not to analyse this situation too much. I think this is a distraction which probably developed as part of our pared down lives over almost two years now.

You are happily married and made the choice between the two brothers after getting to know both of them. Nothing was rushed in making your decision.

You’re curious about your brother-in-law and imagining a few situations. No harm in that. Try not to analyse this too much. You enjoy this man’s company, he’s family after all. I don’t get the impression that you want to leave your husband, that’s how you measure this ‘attraction’.

Email your problems to Dr Angela Brokmann Maura O’Neill All pictures are posed by models

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