Dear Maura: Sleeping with a separated man
Solve your life dilemmas with expert advice from Maura O’Neill
Dear Maura: I’VE been sleeping with a separated man and I’m developing feelings for him, even though I know I’m bringing a lot of trouble on myself. He works with me and started talking to me about his marriage being over. All the women in the office think he’s gorgeous and he shows me texts he gets from them.
He still goes back to his wife and that’s the way they’ve been carrying on — breaking up and then getting back together. In spite of this I still go into work every day hoping to see and chat to him.
If he’s drinking and feeling bad he’ll call to my place, sometimes that can be in the middle of the night. I can’t ignore him but I think that he sees me more of a friend than anything else, even though we’ve slept together a good few times.
I see him so often and I’m the only person he can talk to.
I can’t stop myself having these feelings for him. In a way, I feel responsible for him because he has nobody else to talk to. But where does that leave me in all this?
Answer: You are in a very vulnerable place and that is not going to change as long as you continue to have contact with this man. I totally understand how difficult this situation is for you, particularly as you work with him.
You have no escape.
But you can’t solve the issues with his marriage. He needs to do that. No amount of talking to you, having sex with you or drinking is going to show him a solution to this situation.
You will have to be very strong and tell him that while you have been there for him and happy to help in some way, he needs to now look to himself for resolutions. You could also say that this has been difficult for you worrying about him and all that.
The bottom line is you need a break.
I’m not attracted to lovely boyfriend
Dear Maura: A group of us hang out together and there’s one lad I’ve started seeing. He’s lovely and gets on with everyone in a quiet way. He’s shy and I’m the loud one in the gang.
My parents let us hang out in the house sometimes and they really get on with him. All is going great except I’m not that attracted to him physically or sexually. It’s got nothing to do with how he looks or his body. I don’t know what it is only that the feelings aren’t there.
The problem is everyone likes him. I can’t keep pretending that I’m into him when I’m not. It’s got to the point where sometimes the situation is awkward. But I’ve no reason to break up with him.
Answer: But you have a reason to break up, you’re not attracted to him in any way, shape or form. Are you going to put on an act if he feels you should be closer physically? You can’t do that to yourself.
I know you are being really kind and you don’t want to hurt his feelings. However, you really need to start thinking of yourself and what you want.
Enough of pleasing everyone else. Life is way too short for that. Just say you’re not interested in a relationship at this point.
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Maura O’Neill email@example.com
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