Dear Maura: I've been seeing an old boyfriend - but I found out he's married
"He made excuses saying he and his wife are going through a difficult time right now. But he’s still married, right?"
Solve your life dilemmas with expert advice from Maura O’Neill
Dear Maura: I bumped into an old boyfriend a while ago and we started seeing each other. We’d meet up for coffee or lunch, nothing too serious. For some reason he never said he was married until after a few weeks. I was shocked and disappointed.
I was the one who decided to end the relationship and I regretted it. At the time, I didn’t know what I wanted in my life. Now I feel I missed out on making a future with him. I hate that he didn’t tell me about himself.
He made excuses saying he and his wife are going through a difficult time right now. But he’s still married, right?
The problem is I’ve got used to hanging out with him. If only he said something earlier about his marriage. We’re not doing anything other than meeting for a chat, nothing else has developed.
But what if that does happen? I keep thinking what if he has a huge row with his wife and looks for my shoulder to cry on. Will I be able to resist him? I look forward to meeting him, but I know of course this won’t end well. So why can’t I walk away?
Answer: On one level, you’re making up for the mistake of being the one who said goodbye to the relationship. On the other, you’re enjoying the attention of this man and don’t want to give that up, regardless of his marital status.
He was more than a bit sneaky not telling you he was married. One thing you need to be careful of is that you don’t end up as his ‘escape’, his go-to for comfort if you like. Ultimately, he needs to focus on what is going on between him and his wife.
Otherwise, this could get messy. I know it’s difficult because there’s obviously chemistry between you, but for now he’s a no-go area. Time to check this situation into reality.
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