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Dear Maura: He won’t work on his temper

Solve your life dilemmas with expert advice from Maura O’Neill

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Don’t tolerate an uncontrolled temper

Don’t tolerate an uncontrolled temper

Don’t tolerate an uncontrolled temper

Dear Maura: My husband and I had a small row, nothing too heated, and he said he wanted to punch his fist in my face. Straight after, I heard him say he hated himself for saying that, but he didn’t say anything to me. I barely spoke to him for two weeks until I asked him when he was going to apologise. There was another row: he tried to say I’d said hurtful things too over the years. He couldn’t take responsibility for his words. It’s been like that for most of our marriage. I move on from these rows as I don’t want to be on my own and I’m afraid of change. I imagine myself leaving him one day in my sixties, just waking up and telling him it’s over. Not sure why I’d wait until then, only if he’s shouting at me at that stage of my life, I’ll have to go. When we move past these aggressive outbursts, he’s a great guy and loves treating me to dinners, weekends away, and we both love travel. Yet the older I get, the more these ‘treats’ are making no impression. If he tried to work through these times, it would help me too. As things are, I feel I don’t love him anymore. Answer: This man is trapped by his anger, which has never been acknowledged on any level over the years. As a child, this temper went completely unchallenged.

So here he is now as an adult, and he ‘hates’ himself for his outbursts, but he can’t face up to them. In the meantime, you are the target of his aggression and verbal abuse.
You are reaching the end of the road with him, as your tolerance levels are now threadbare at this stage. Be totally honest and tell him exactly how you feel. He either gets counselling or you will leave.
Give him the image of you as a sixty-year-old — that should shake him up a bit. He needs to be accountable.

Help! My boyfriend can’t kiss properly

Dear Maura: My boyfriend is a hopeless kisser. But he’s perfect in every other way. I try to get him not to use his tongue as much as he does but he just doesn’t get it.

He kind of licks my mouth and all around that part of my face. Sounds terrible and it is. I’ve to pretend I’m doing something after so I can wipe my mouth. But he never says a thing. He’s had girlfriends before so it’s not like I’m the first girl he’s kissed.

My friends tell me to dump him and that you can’t teach someone how to kiss properly. Is that true? I’d be too embarrassed to talk to him about it.

Answer: Sounds like he’s desperate to make a bit effort, bless him. But he’s not feeling it, he’s just going through the motions. I think he’s very nervous with you. Give a go at talking to him.

Start off by paying him a compliment, something to give him a boost. Then slowly come around to the kissing. Ask him if he’d like to try putting his tongue in your mouth, just to make things more interesting. If you can get to that stage, you can focus on movement. It could take time but if you’re willing to teach then hopefully, he will be open to learning. If he can relax, you’re totally sorted.

Email your problems to
Dr Angela Brokmann dr.angela@sundayworld.com
Maura O’Neill maura.oneill@sundayworld.com

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