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Ask Maura: Should I be worried that he looks out for his ex?


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Q My boyfriend has kept in touch with his ex since we got together. He tells me that she's got a difficult home life and has nobody else. He swore to me that he only texts her or the odd call but that's it. I'm not comfortable with this situation but I want to give the relationship a chance.

The other thing is, if this is all just as he says it is, then what he's doing is really nice. It's always good to look out for someone. He ended it with her because there was an older brother who didn't like him and he got a bit afraid.

But there's tension between us because I think he still has feelings for her and if it wasn't for this brother he could still be with her. The longer this goes on and the more I persevere, the more I want to stay with him.

Sometimes everything is great and I feel like she's not in the picture at all. Then he'll bring her up and I get back to a place where I'm doubting this whole situation.

I've asked him to be honest with me and not just hang on if he's not going to give us his full attention. I'm not sure he's capable of that, even if he thinks he is.

ANSWER

I feel for your boyfriend because I sense he wants to be with you and to give his full attention to your relationship. However, he is obviously worried about his ex and clearly not able to forget her fully. You need to find out, and he needs to work out, are his feelings just from concern or is there still a connection there? If there is then he should work on that and do the right thing by all three of you. Make a decision and stick to it, that's my advice to him. You are doing your best to move this along and I admire you for hanging in there regardless. There may be a day when you realise that this is not enough for you.


Daughter chats to her dad's wife

Q My daughter has started to chat with my ex-husband's wife. I'm describing her like this because she's not a step-mum and I made that clear from the beginning because her dad left when she was just three months old and I raised her totally on my own while he travelled for a year.

Anyway, she is now 20 and has started to follow this woman on Instagram. I know it's pretty harmless but she's started to say that 'Julie (not her real name) said' or 'Julie told me' and it's bugging me. I hate feeling like this as everything happened so long ago. I've had counselling and yet this basic bit of contact is getting to me. Have I not moved on? I'm more annoyed with myself than anything.

ANSWER

Well done on getting counselling and on raising your baby on your own. This woman, who up to now has had no real contact with your daughter, is suddenly around. You are human and this annoys you. It's understandable that you have some residual anger.

Accept this and pass off whatever your daughter says. Be interested so she doesn't feel that she's doing anything wrong - that's important. Remember that nobody can take away the relationship you have with her. Bits and pieces of a chat on Instagram will never dilute the bond you both have.

Sunday World


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