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sex talk Ask Dr Angela: My partner washes his hands after he touches me


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Open-minded and practical, Dr Angela Brokmann has answered the nation's sex problems for 18 years. Here, she answers your dilemmas.

Dear Angela,

My boyfriend has a strange and annoying habit - after sex he runs into the bathroom to wash his hands. He even does it when we only have a cuddle and touch each other up.

It's so annoying. It makes me feel unclean. I mean, does he really have to do that every time he touches me? He insists he only wants to make sure that I won't get pregnant but I have the feeling that's only an excuse.

Angela says: It's possible to get pregnant from fresh sperm sticking to somebody's hand. It's unlikely, but not completely unheard of. If you don't want your boyfriend to get up to wash his hands, keep a pack of wet wipes on the bedside table. If your boyfriend insists on a trip to the bathroom, he might be a bit on the obsessive side when it comes to hand hygiene or hygiene in general. But as long as it's no worse than a quick trip to the bathroom after sex, there's no need to worry.

Dear Angela,

My fiancé (43) can be real pushy about sex. We sleep together three times a week but he wants sex at least another once or twice a week, and when he doesn't get it he gets narky. Like the other night, we'd been watching a movie while kissing and cuddling. Then my fiancé wanted sex, but I (35) was too tired and not in the mood. He said I can't mess with him like that and then leave him frustrated. I explained that I want to be able to just have a cuddle without having to sleep with him afterwards, but he said he can't do that because cuddles give him blue balls, and that it's a dangerous and painful condition. He claims the only way to get rid of the pain is sex. Is that true? And what exactly are blue balls?

Angela says: 'Blue balls' is an old slang term that refers to discomfort in the testicles caused by prolonged arousal without sexual relief. In other words: it happens when your man gets turned on but doesn't ejaculate. Sex does indeed relieve the built up pressure and discomfort, but it doesn't have to be intercourse - a DIY handjob does the trick. And even without sexual relief, the discomfort will go away when the arousal stops and the testicles go back to normal.

Blue balls are not dangerous, unless your partner suffers from an extremely rare medical condition that leaves his genitals swollen for hours. But in that case, your fiancé would need the ER and not sex. Some guys use blue balls as an excuse to pressure their partner into sex - don't let that happen.

Dear Angela,

While my boyfriend was self-isolating at home for a couple of weeks, I (33) slept in our guest room. At first it was actually nice to have a room to myself, but then I started to feel lonely.

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On the 10th night on my own I watched a sexy video on YouTube and then I did something I hadn't done in almost 10 years: I touched myself. It took me a while to get into it but when I finally did, I got carried away and I must have let out a few moans.

My boyfriend heard me, and he opened my door to check on me. When he saw what I was doing he got upset and said I shouldn't do that. He was about to start an argument but I sent him back to his own room and promised we'd talk about it later. But I don't want to talk about it - I'm too embarrassed and I feel so bad for what happened. My boyfriend doesn't want to leave it alone though, he insists that our relationship is in trouble and that we need to talk to sort it.

Angela says:

There is no need to feel bad and embarrassed; it's perfectly OK to masturbate, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or single.

Most people do it, and you had to sleep on your own for a couple of weeks, so you had a good reason. If your boyfriend is still upset have a chat with him to get this out of the way.

Explain how you felt, and assure him that everything is OK between you. Tell him how difficult it is for you to talk about this, and ask him to please never bring up the incident again.

Dear Angela,

Ten days ago I (39) started a diet. My aim is to lose one stone, but I'm not making much progress. I only lost two pounds so far, and my best friend suggested that my sex life might be to blame.

I give my husband oral sex once or twice a week, and my friend pointed out that it means I'm taking in calories that are unaccounted for in my diet plan.

My husband says that's nonsense, but of course he'd say that. What do you think - can oral sex really ruin a diet?

Angela says: No. Oral sex won't ruin your weight-loss efforts, on the contrary. You only take in around ten calories a session, but at the same time you burn ten times more calories than you consume. So oral sex - the same as any kind of sexual activity - will not ruin your diet, but will help you to lose weight.

If you are worried about the ten calories nonetheless, put a condom on your husband before you spoil him.

Dear Angela,

My boyfriend (23) wants me to make him ejaculate with my hands. I (25) tried, but I feel too awkward when I touch him like that. He stares at me the whole time and that makes me so uncomfortable that I lose my rhythm and the right touch.

I've tried so many times - in bed, on the couch, under the shower - but I never managed to make him climax.

What can I do to make this work?

Angela says: If you find your boyfriend's eyes on you so unnerving, try a different approach: Snuggle up to him from behind, move your arms around his body and then let your hands glide from his chest to his lower belly. You can either peek over his shoulder to watch what you're doing, or press your face against his back and work by touch only. You can do this lying down, sitting, or standing up - whatever you fancy. Your boyfriend can watch your busy hands, but he won't be able to see your face. So this should work for both of you.

  • Get in touch! Email dr.angela@sundayworld.com.

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