| 11.2°C Dublin

DOUBLE TROUBLE Ask Dr Angela: I found out my fiancé has a second family — what should I do?

"He usually spends Thursday to Monday at home and then travels for work the rest of the week. Or that's what I thought ..."

Close

Having a second family is a whole other level of cheating

Having a second family is a whole other level of cheating

Having a second family is a whole other level of cheating

Sort your sexual problems with honest and practical tips from Dr Angela Brokmann

Dear Angela,

My fiancé (37) and I (28) met five years ago, and we have a three-year old daughter together.

He usually spends Thursday to Monday at home and then travels for work the rest of the week. Or that's what I thought.

I've just learned that he spends the other nights with his second family, a woman and two kids. I know because the woman rang me when she found out about me and my daughter.

When I confronted my fiancé, he confessed that he has a second family but he said he loves me more and that he's willing to give them up.

However, I don't trust him anymore. What if he promised the other woman the same?

She wanted to meet me to talk but I refused because I hate her so much. Now I'm having second thoughts.

Maybe I should go to see her? I have so many questions.

Answer: I understand that there's no love lost between you two women, but there's no reason to hate each other as neither of you did anything wrong; your fiancé is the only one to blame for the mess you're in.

Go and talk; you're both going through exactly the same trouble, and while talking will hurt, it will also help you to heal.

And once you're talking, your fiancé won't get away with his lies anymore.

Sunday World Newsletter

Sign up for the latest news and updates

This field is required This field is required

Download the Sunday World app

Now download the free app for all the latest Sunday World News, Crime, Irish Showbiz and Sport. Available on Apple and Android devices


Related Content

Cutting the apron strings can be hard

Ask the Experts

Dear Maura: Do I mother my son too much?

Dear Maura: MY 45-year-old son comes home if he has a serious row with his wife. I think I’ve saved his marriage more than a few times but his wife feels that I’ve made things worse. She wants me to keep my door closed if he arrives after they’ve had an argument. I get on with my daughter-in-law and they’ve two lovely children but I’m not keen on taking instructions from her about my son. His dad agrees with her and is fed up telling me to let him work it out himself. I don’t know what to do because I’m torn between being there for my son, even if he’s in his 40s, or taking heed of what the others are saying. Sometimes my gut is telling me that this is not right but when he’s at the door looking I miserable it’s hard to turn him away. How can I stop doing this after all this time? I suppose I should let him get on with his life and marriage but it’s turning my back on him that’s the difficult thing to do. He’s my only boy and I spoiled him when he was little. Maybe it’s time to get on with my life. Answer: You have a strong emotional attachment to your son. You find it challenging to stop being a hands-on mum to him as you have never fully cut the apron strings. I know that deep down you realise your husband and your daughter-in-law are right about letting your son work through his life with all its ups and downs. It’s important that he stays home after a row and talks everything through with his wife. Running off to his mum and leaving her with the stress of the argument and two children to take care of is just not on. He needs to face up to his responsibilities to his family. You, on the other hand, need to focus on your life — the part after you’ve raised your children.


Former spouses can stir up trouble

Ask the Experts

Ask Maura: My man’s ex is being vindictive

Dear Maura: MY partner’s ex-wife is making life very difficult for us. I’ve been with him for three years and moved in eight months ago. He has two grown-up daughters, both married with one child each and it was such a big deal to get them to visit over the holiday. It’s been like that for a year or so. I sent out an invite and they accepted. Then on the morning they were supposed to come they both texted within a few minutes of each other saying that their child was sick. It’s always that excuse because then we can’t say anything. But there’s a pattern. I lost the rag a while ago and rang his ex, but it got me nowhere. She barely reacted because she’s the one in control. My man is not one for confrontation, so to keep the peace we visited his daughters. They’re dead against me living here. He gets down but won’t talk about anything. I worry that he’ll end our relationship just to have his kids visit without any hassle. Why can’t we just all get on with life? His ex has been with someone for two years now. The daughters are 28 and 31. Why can’t they do what’s right? Their mother seems to be very controlling. Answer: Until your partner talks to his ex and his daughters this stand-off will persist. You mention control in your letter — he needs to take a stand and insist that invitations to your home are honoured. His ex is playing a toxic game. She hasn’t moved on if she’s engaging so negatively in her daughters’ lives. Why shouldn’t they and their children spend time with their dad and grandad? Because she wants to make trouble. There’s more than an element of bullying here too. He just needs to stress that he wants his family to visit and that’s all there is to it.


Football fanaticism is no fun for partners

Ask the Experts

Dear Maura: He loves soccer more than me

Dear Maura: MY boyfriend loves his favourite soccer team, Liverpool, more than me. It’s all he ever talks about. If a player gets injured or they lose — not that often I know — then it takes ages for him to get over this. He doesn’t want to go out or anything. My mam thinks it’s great that a man has a hobby and I’ll be glad to get rid of him for a weekend if I marry him. I don’t look at marriage like that. We have been together for a year and haven’t done much. If this did develop into something, then I would want more. I’m 27 and he’s 26. I read a lot, love art and would really like to go to the theatre more often. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this, and as a joke he said he’d go to a musical if it was about Liverpool. Sorry? Is he capable of a relationship? The thing is, I can be a bit serious — my friends tell me this all the time. So I’m hanging in here because I think he could be good for me. I’m an only child and a bit sheltered. Still, he’s so different. What do you think? Answer: Have you gone to a Liverpool match yet? I hope you have in order to give yourself an idea of what your boyfriend is passionate about. I think ultimately you must really feel that this is for you. I sense that you are critical of yourself and look at this boyfriend as a way of opening up experiences for you. Maybe this is a situation that you don’t rationalise too much, that you just go with and enjoy. Certainly, you need to have an input on how you socialise but try not to control too much. Take this relationship to a point where you feel you have developed in a way you didn’t think you ever could. Then you decide to get off or keep going with this guy.

Privacy