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Nine things they never told you about that will happen when you become a parent

Nine things they never told you about that will happen when you become a parent

Sometimes, the emphasis placed on a tricky little thing called labour means that once your bundle of joy arrives, you're completely unprepared for what comes next.

Yes, you've just succeeded in making a tiny human but what are you exactly supposed to do with the chubster once it arrives?

You may know how to make a mean bottle or change a nappy with your eyes closed but here are the things that nobody tells you about becoming a parent - the good, the bad and the ugly.

You'll embrace new friends

You may think that your baby is the most precious thing in the world and that their sleeping and pooping patterns are matters of national interest but some of your friends may disagree.

If your friends are more dialled into Friday night sessions and boozy brunches, you may find that 4am night feeds and colic don't exactly make for a mutually interesting conversation.

Be prepared to pick up stray mothers in the playground or the supermarket as you bond over controlled crying and cradle cap. You will welcome a whole new circle of mommy friends into your life who will always be ready and willing to talk about the changing col­ours of your baby's poo.

You'll become obsessed with germs

You will become a sudden germaphobe who will vet friends and relatives before they are welcomed indoors. You'll refuse your mother from entering your house if she even hints at sneezing, and anyone who owns a pet will be regarded with suspi­cion.

You will genuinely consider asking people to wear masks and gloves when handling your child.

You'll fall in love all over again

So they left the milk out and woke you when they got up for work this morning but there's nothing more beautiful than watching your significant other trans­form into a mum or dad. Watching them care and interact with your little one will remind you exactly why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Abs will forev­er be a dream

Abs? What abs? Do not Google pictures of Chrissy Teigen, you will cry. Every­one told you to eat what­ever you wanted during your pregnancy, insisting that you would spring back into your size tens - they lied.

You do not have a personal trainer and you do not have access to a live-in chef. Embrace your postpartum body and the knowledge that abs may not be in your immediate future.

Go to yoga, catch up with friends at pilates. Who cares about 'body goals'? You just pushed a tiny human from your vagina.

Let's talk about sex, baby

You may think that your baby's sole duty is to eat, sleep and poo, though there is another reason for their existence - to ensure you never have sex again. On the rare times that you are ready and willing, they'll spew all over the sofa.

You'll learn to multitask

You thought you couldn't run on less than eight hours of sleep but you'll find that you quickly master the art of hoovering the carpet, breastfeeding and listening to a podcast all at the same time.

You won't leave the house

Every trip out of the house will require military precision. So much so, that sometimes you'll want to live like a hermit and never open your front door again, because you might accidentally forget to pack the Sudocrem and you know everyone will secretly judge you for being a bad mother.

You will become annoyingly competitive

Your baby may have only mastered the art of lying horizontally but that won't stop you from becoming competitive with other mums and dads.

Without even realising it, you'll find your­self discussing your baby's sleeping patterns at playgroup or remarking how they burped and it almost sounded like they said 'mum'.

You will cease to be an adult

You won't know if Donald Trump has threatened nuclear warfare or that Topshop is having a massive sale, your phone will be used sole­ly to Google your baby's latest ail­ments and the televi­sion will be per­manently switched to baby cartoons. Your IQ will drop.