ColumnistsPaddy Murray

These surveys are a pain in the poll!

Joan Burton: Unpopular
Joan Burton: Unpopular

Our survey says: this is getting really annoying!

I have just finished conducting my first opinion poll.

And here are the results...

68 per cent of people have a pain in their backsides with opinion polls.

14 per cent think they’re a bit of gas, but don’t take them seriously.

10 per cent thought they were really very important.

6 per cent know someone who works for a polling company and don’t want to be disloyal.

2 per cent told us to shag off.

Of the 68 per cent who had a pain in their backsides with opinion polls, 42 per cent rushed off and said they were in a hurry.

36 per cent said it seemed odd to be asking them more questions when they’d already said they had a pain in their backsides with polls.

21 per cent asked if there was any money in it. And one per cent eventually told us to shag off.

Asked who they would like to run the country, 35 per cent said Dublin actor Aidan Turner.

30 per cent said Kathryn Thomas.

24 per cent said Kim Jong Un.

11 per cent said anybody but Enda Kenny, Joan Burton, Gerry Adams, Micheál Martin, Joe Higgins, Clare Daly, Richard Boyd Barrett or even Lucinda Creighton or Shane Ross.

Of the 44 per cent who said Aidan Turner, 96 per cent were women. Of the 30 per cent who said Kathryn Thomas, 98 per cent were men. Of the 24 per cent who said Kim Jong Un, 100 per cent were locked.

Finally we asked people what the big issues facing the country were.

34 per cent said keeping Joe Schmidt in charge of the Irish rugby team.

22 per cent said finding a decent midfielder for the soccer team.

18 per cent said getting a TV for Dan’s hospital room in Fair City.

12 per cent said organising a holiday for Davy Fitzgerald.

9 per cent said persuading Joe Brolly to take up transcendental meditation.

5 per cent said Zayn Malik, and 67 per cent of statistics are made up on the spot. Including this.

I think the combined results show, conclusively, beyond debate or any reasonable argument, that it is an absolute fact and it’s there for all to see.
Or something.