ColumnistsPaddy Murray

Paddy Murray gazes into a crystal ball for some wacky 2017 predictions

Psychic Paddy looks into Ireland's future
Psychic Paddy looks into Ireland's future

How will 2017 pan out for Ireland and the world? Our man has a wacky look into the future, month-by-month.

JANUARY

A crowd of 10,000 people march through Dublin demanding the government commit to free water forever. The protest ends with Paul Murphy TD making a speech – or rather, it ends when he BEGINS making a speech.

Gerry Adams denies having ever even accidentally bumped into anyone who was even remotely connected with the IRA and says he never heard of them.

Boris Johnson leaves Budapest after getting the Hungarian Prime Minister’s name wrong. He later says he hopes he hasn’t embarrassed Mrs Thatcher.

Donald Trump (below) appoints Hulk Hogan to be U.S. Ambassador to Ireland, before discovering that his real name is actually Terry Gene Bollea.

Danny Healy-Rae claims he can trace his ancestry back to the Garden of Eden and his great-great-great-great (and so on) grandparents were Adam Healy and Eve Rae.

FEBRUARY

50,000 people march through Dublin demanding the government pay them to use water. Protesters, afraid Paul Murphy will make the same speech again, surround his car to prevent him reaching the platform.

Dylan Hartley is sent off for England against France after another high tackle, this time on referee Nigel Owens. He is later banned for three hours and 15 minutes.

The Labour Party Spring Think Tank is cancelled when they discover the phone box in which they were planning to hold the meeting has already been booked by the Green Party.

Dylan Hartley is sent off playing for England against Italy for injuring an Italian player AND for failing to stop after a motor vehicle accident after he knocks down the Italian out-half with his car, on the English 22. He is banned for two-and-a-half days.

TV3 announces a new line-up for Exposé.

MARCH

Eamon Dunphy throws four Biros and two pencils at Liam Brady during Ireland’s match with Wales after Brady mocks his call for Wes Hoolohan to be made captain, knighted and canonised by the Pope.

Dylan Hartley is sent off playing for England against Scotland for attempting to injure a Scottish player. With a lump hammer. Before the game. He is banned for five days.

Gerry Adams denies owning a holiday home in Donegal and then expands his denial to include owning anything, ever.

Dylan Hartley is sent off playing for England against Wales for stamping. The victim was an elderly Welsh fan sitting in the third row. He is banned for 12 hours.
100,000 people march through Dublin demanding free tickets for Justin Bieber’s upcoming Dublin gig. Paul Murphy isn’t told about it.

Dylan Hartley is sent off at the Aviva Stadium when he stamps on Brian O’Driscoll, Paul O’Connell and Ronan O’Gara who are sitting together in the stand.  

 

APRIL 

Mick Wallace makes a startling revelation to the Dáil, telling TDs that an anonymous note from a whistleblower had informed him about a public representative who stiffed the taxman for €2m and left suppliers high and dry, before realising he was talking about himself. He then condemns whistleblowers.

Enda Kenny declares April 1 to be a Public Holiday to celebrate his time as Taoiseach.

Plans for the Seanad to move, temporarily, into the National Museum are cancelled. They take over the National Gallery instead and it is closed to the public for two years. 
Eamon Dunphy tries to adopt Wes Hoolohan.

MAY

Striking teachers picket the offices of the National Bus and Rail Union. The teachers say a drivers’ strike was deliberately planned to stop them reaching their picket lines.

Gardaí don’t intervene due to their work to rule.

Chelsea wins the Premier League and Manchester City wins the FA Cup. Both awards ceremonies are conducted in Spanish, Italian and German with Portuguese, Russian and French subtitles.

AA Roadwatch admits that its phones were out of order one morning and it made up a traffic report – which actually turned out to be 100 per cent accurate.

Emergency services are called to Slane Castle after several of those attending the Guns ’n’ Roses gig become trapped when their Zimmer frames get stuck in mud.

TV3 announces a new line-up for Exposé.

JUNE

Mick Wallace says he has nothing left in the world. Apart from a couple of tickets for the Ireland games in Tbilisi and Cardiff. And airline tickets to get there. And a few bob for the hotel. And €87,000 a year plus €2,445.83 a month in tax free expenses. 

The All Blacks are all square in the 79th minute of their match against the British and Irish Lions when Conor Murray scores a try under their posts. But the South African referee mistakenly awards the try to New Zealand and they win.

The Brown Thomas Christmas shop opens.

The GAA Central Community Committee For Controlling Competitions Completely (The CCCCCC) scraps the Black Card and replaces it with Blue, Pink, Yellow, Green, White and Polka Dot cards.

 

JULY

Temperatures reach an incredible 35 degrees in scorching heat in blazing sunshine throughout the country. It is the only sunny day in what turns out to be the wettest, coldest and windiest July ever.

250,000 people march through Dublin demanding free speech. Paul Murphy addresses the crowd, two thirds of whom then change their minds and call for free speech to be restricted.

Rory McIlroy wins the retitled Irish and British Open at Portstewart.

AUGUST

The country runs out of celebrities to occupy empty buildings. Fortunately, because so many celebrities are involved in the occupations, homeless families take advantage of the situation and occupy the mansions they have left empty.

Katie Taylor beats Conor McGregor with a first round knockout in their pay-per-view bout in Madison Square Gardens.

TV3 announces a new line-up for Exposé.

Bertie Ahern announces he will be a candidate for the presidency at the next election – and has put €1,000 on himself at 8/1.

SEPTEMBER

Mayo are 10 points up against Dublin in the All-Ireland final with 30 seconds to go when an electric storm forces the match to be abandoned. They lose the replay by 15 points.

Katherine Zappone TD (below) changes her route to the Dáil. She now travels from South Dublin through Wicklow, Wexford, Kilkenny, Carlow, Tipperary, Galway, Roscommon, Longford, Westmeath and Meath because “it’s more convenient”.

Record numbers watch the Late Late Show’s first show of the season as Ryan Tubridy interviews an RTE personality who has written a book, is starring in an upcoming RTE reality programme, has beaten cancer and once suffered from depression. No other guests appear.

 

OCTOBER

A million people assemble on Grafton Street as part of a protest about something. Paul Murphy addresses the crowd. Nobody’s quite sure what it’s about, but certainly not his €80 a day tax free expenses.

Electric Picnic announces the line-up for 2018. It will be headed by Crystal Swing, Honey G and Boyzwest*witchedward. “The crowds were getting too big,” a spokesman said. “We had to do something.”

Scotland applies to join Ireland.

King Michael Healy Rae says the Kingdom will be leaving Europe.

NOVEMBER

Gerry Adams denies being Gerry Adams. A snap election results in the Man Who Denies Being Gerry Adams being elected Taoiseach. He immediately scraps property tax on second homes in Donegal.

President Michael D Higgins pays a state visit to North Korea, where he is awarded the country’s highest honour by Kim Jong-un. Unfortunately, it’s just that little bit too high.

A judge is awarded €100,000 after he feels regret for only giving €50,000 to a woman who sued Dublin City Council for negligence after a pigeon feather landed on her head.

Ireland is awarded the 2023 World Cup despite a late intervention by FIFA, who wanted to give it to Libya.

There is a massive body count in television Christmas ads as companies try to ‘out-sad’ each other.

The National Journalism Award winners are announced and for the 42nd time in 44 years, Paddy Murray wins nothing.

TV3 announces a new line-up for Exposé.

DECEMBER

Dylan Hartley is named BBC Sports Personality of the Year. The RTE Award goes to Anto who beat the shite out of someone in Temple Bar. 

Protesters for the homeless take over a mansion owned by an Irish celeb. The news is broken to him in Apollo House where he is part of the occupying group. His lawyers apply to have them evicted.

The Late Late Toy Show is invaded by protesters chanting ‘Right to Toys’. Paul Murphy is mistaken for one of the children, but obligingly sings Baa Baa Black Sheep.

New Year celebrations are cancelled as the government announces 2017 was pretty good so we’re going to do it again.