ColumnistsDaragh Keany

Our eldest daughter may actually be a child prodigy

Chloe is the brainbox
Chloe is the brainbox
Mia needs work
Mia needs work

If my eldest daughter’s first ever report card is anything to go by – myself and wifey have ourselves a child prodigy on our hands. Sure, we might as well retire now and put the feet up.

At four-and-three-quarters, Chloe is just a few months away from joining “big school” so her playschool teacher, Brenda, decided to prepare a surprisingly-in-depth form about our cheeky little girl wonder, to help her new teacher grasp exactly what she is about to inherit. 
Proudly, we read the report as she passed everything with flying colours. Actually, without exaggeration – she didn’t only pass everything – she absolutely nailed the entire thing. 
So now, Team Keany are assured of riches beyond our wildest dreams as we live vicariously through our offspring’s inevitable successes. 
Of course, when it comes down to the report cards that actually matter over the next 15 years or so – this week’s piece of paper is as insignificant as the Leinster Football Championship. 
If only her future CV could include some of the attributes that teacher Brenda thought fit to include on the impressive report. 
Like, Chloe’s ability to hold crayons in a tripod grasp. Or the fact that she can count higher than 5 (that will probably be higher come the Leaving), she can thread beads (super important), she can use the bathroom herself (I still have problems with that) and she can climb on and jump off climbing equipment (well if that doesn’t bag her a job then what will). 
Joking aside though, she is, kind of, our only hope. The other one, Mia (below), is vastly overweight and pretty much useless.
She’s 20 months old, she has been walking for only a few months and only has five words. And two of those words are ‘uh-oh’ and ‘ow’! 
TWITTER: @DaraghKeany