I AM in a state of shock.
Bad enough that Ringo Starr turned 70 a few weeks ago.
But now I discover that his granddaughter Tatia, otherwise known as Veronica Avant, is a guitarist in a band called Belakiss and that she used to be an erotic dancer.
Holy God! I can't believe it. I'm shocked to the core.
Ringo has a granddaughter!
And she's 25 years old!
I'D say there is much joy amongst the rabbits and hedgehogs of south Dublin.
Thanks to the Rail Procurement Agency, they now have their own station on the €370m LUAS line to Cherrywood.
No people. Just a ghost station, rabbits and hedgehogs.
Meanwhile, tens of thousands of people from Dublin to Rathfarnham have nothing but an erratic bus service to tempt them out of their cars. Why?
Well one of the excuses trotted out in the RPA report for not building a Rathfarnham LUAS line was that it would lose €1.5m a year.
So in about 4,000 years, it might lost as much as the idiotic Metro is going to cost.
JOHN GORMLEY denies a conflict of interest in the incinerator affair.
He's not blocking it because because any slim chance he has of keeping his seat is down the toilet if the thing is built.
We believe him.
BRIAN COWEN has asked the media to be a little bit less negative.
He wants happy news!!!
Anything to help out Brian.
Here goes.
Jobless Jubilation
The domestic tourist industry has received a huge boost with the news that there are now 450,000 unemployed people who can't afford to holiday abroad. (They probably can't afford to holiday at home either. But at least they'll be buying their teabags in the local shop.)
Brilliant Boost
Think how happy those inefficient bankers are, still pulling in half a mill a year because we're coughing up, not just to keep them in business, but to keep them in clover!
Wonderful Weather
So it's been lashing all week. But that's actually great news! Because we've had the chance to practise for winter which, because the Department of the Environment has done precisely shag-all since last winter's floods, will cause even more mayhem and hardship than ever. So. Practice makes perfect!
Cheerful Countryside
They're cutting rural bus routes. And you can't deny THIS is a positive. Fewer rural folk going off to meet their pals in the pub and getting pissed? Sure that can only be good for their livers and their pockets.
Smiling Schoolchildren
Kids will love this one.We have thousands of our children being educated in rotten prefabs (which incidentally, are costing a fortune). But they'll be happy. Because when the harsh winter (see above) comes, they'll have to get more and more days off school. Because you can't have them spending all day in freezing, leaky classrooms.
Hospital Hope
They're cutting the number of beds we have in hospitals. Great! Now there'll be more room for desks!
Crime Cheer
The Gardai obviously don't have the resources to fight crime the way they'd want to. Fantastic! Because if they can't catch the criminals, we won't have to pay to keep them in jail.
Mortgage Merriment
Believe it or not, this is great news. Because once next year comes, and we're on the run-up to another election, the government will promise the earth, moon and stars to people struggling to keep a roof over their heads! And won't that cheer us all up? Of course it will. Even if we know in our heart of hearts it's a load of old tosh.
Government Glee
Well what a week. Off to Farmleigh for a slap-up lunch, er, a big meeting about the economy. Well, it gets boring in Merrion Street and the food there can be boring and, anyway, it's nice to get out for the day and park all our Government cars outside a nice house in the Phoenix Park. Chuck us another expenses form there Sean and tell my driver the wife wants to go shopping. That happy enough for you Brian?
I HAVE gone right off Sky. And George Hook is to blame.
There are some other annoying people on ads. That idiot selling Cillit Bang for starters.
The scary broad who wanders into people's kitchens clutching bottles of Vanish is another. But George is gold medal annoying.
And as for his claim that: "Sky care." No George. It doesn't.
But if you employed the correct grammar, George, you would tell us that 'Sky cares'.
'Sky' is singular. But even with the correct grammar, I doubt Sky cares much.
Where's your man with the Cillit Bang when you need him?
"BANG and George is gone!"
